Where I've Been

We need to have an honest conversation. It’s something I realized over the past several months through self-reflection, self-deprecation, and even sprinkles of self-hatred. These emotions are feelings that every freelancer experiences multiple times throughout their careers. And for me, I’m finally ready to admit it to my audience.

I Have Severe Burnout

When I began Access Granted, I sought to produce high quality, intensive investigative reporting twice a month. I wanted readers to understand that accessibility and disability reporting is not only essential, but capable of sitting alongside the same daily beats that regularly fill the pages of standard gaming publications. To be fair, this sentiment still rings true. The work that I and other disabled reporters do can be both timely and evergreen. And it’s still true that publications struggle to understand this fact. Yet, I’m not here to convince you that the work disabled reporters do matters. I’m here to tell you that I put too much pressure on myself to overperform, thus putting myself into a state of burnout.

Since December, I’ve recovered from a gnarly cold, spent a cumulative one month with my international long-distance partner, written several stories, some major for varying outlets, applied for numerous jobs, attended an in-person industry event, scheduled and went to several doctor appointments, and even said goodbye to my 100-year-old grandmother. As a disabled person with limited mobility and energy, that is a lot to do within six months, especially when each event occurred in immediate succession of one another. While I’m fully capable of juggling multiple tasks and assignments, both personal and professional, I forgot one of the most important rules of the disabled experience – pacing yourself.

I’m not writing this to excuse my lack of work in my newsletter. On the contrary, I’m writing this to reframe how I approach what I still intend to do. Rather than biweekly, I want to publish big reports with intent, not arbitrary rules placed upon myself. While you will still receive some words of mine monthly, I need to listen to what’s best for my physical and mental health, which ultimately makes my work better for you. If I feel healthy, I’ll do more! But I can’t fool myself anymore into thinking I can do everything all at once. I truly enjoy writing. It’s a passion that I had the privilege to turn into a career. I also need to respect my disability and not push myself to perform for expectations that nobody asked for except me.

And now, with this internal reflection finally made public, let me give you a summary of what I’ve been up to on a personal basis.

Exploring New Hobbies

In February, on a whim, I decided to purchase three packs of Magic: The Gathering cards. To this day, I cannot tell you why I made this decision. I’ve never played Magic, nor have I ever had the desire to succumb to a new expensive hobby. However, what started as an impulse buy has since turned into an enjoyable experience, as well as a new way to bond with Poppy.

For the past seven months, both Poppy and I have purchased approximately two dozen packs, as well as several Commander decks, and watched hours of content teaching us how to properly play. So far, I’ve designed a Blue/Red Elemental Spell deck, a Black/Green Life deck, and a Green/Blue Landfall/Mutagen deck. We’re connecting with friends in Pittsburgh and the UK just to play Magic, and arguably the biggest joy for me, is I’m not writing about it, at least professionally.

A large mental factor toward my burnout was my inability to turn my brain off after each major life event. Video games are where I go to relax with friends. While this usually works, needing to write about video games during stressful moments meant I began associating down time with my job. The last thing I wanted to do after spending hours covering games or spending weeks visiting my grandmother in the hospital was to turn on a video game. And that’s why Magic became so enticing. For the first time in seven years, I found a new hobby that isn’t intrinsically tied to my job. Can I write about Magic? Absolutely. But I don’t want to. There was an emptiness within me because my favorite hobbies constantly required me to critically analyze them. Magic filled that void.

Aside from spending an egregious amount on pieces of cardboard, I’ve also been reconnecting with the Pokémon series. I’ve written before about its overall importance before, noting its unique capability to bring me back to a mental baseline after particularly challenging periods. Since February, I’ve completed Violet, Shining Pearl, Leaf Green, and even Fire Red, with rules imposed on myself to make each playthrough feel unique. Using Pokémon I’ve never had, releasing a Pokémon if it faints, and even monotype runs (only using Pokémon of a certain type), provide new layers to a series I’ve put hundreds, if not thousands of hours into over the course of my life. It’s my gaming comfort and safe space when life gets too difficult, and throughout the past 10 months, life has been nothing but immensely difficult.

This isn’t my final story. Far from it. In fact, it’s a promise to myself, and you, that I don’t want to stop working. I just need to reframe how I approach each story moving forward. I’m not doing myself any favors by making unrealistic expectations which in turn not only hurt me but lose the trust I’ve spent seven years building with you. If you still want to support me, I deeply appreciate you. And now, it’s time for me to show you what I can really do in a healthy environment.